Just Get Back Up

The fog was starting to lift from my mind. Like a man waking in the middle of sleep walking, I came to my senses with disorientation and unease.

A week earlier, a situation at work hit out of nowhere. My mind and thoughts were consumed with planning and trying to understand the bigger picture of what was going on. The situation lurked in the back of my mind with my family and in prayer. Nothing else seemed important but untying this work-related knot.

The fog lifting was the dawning of the realization that I had fallen into the trap that an external reality was more important than my relationships with my family and with God. While my work situation was a big deal, it did not define me. No matter what happened there, it didn’t mean more than being present to my family. It certainly didn’t matter more than my soul.

Problem solving was my first reaction to realizing my mistake. I ran the last several days back in my mind looking for what I could learn. How could I have prevented getting pulled in? What could I do next time to maintain my balance?

A small voice asked me to stop. Stop trying to fix the past. Stop trying to control the future.

Instead, I was invited to just be present. I received the urge to simply apologize and move on. I named what I had done—placing vain worry about the world above my love for God and neighbor—and resolved to confess it at the next opportunity. Then I dived right back into life as if I had never missed a step.

Every moment I spent analyzing my failure and building a process for avoiding it in the future was a moment lived in poor relationships. As an analogy, if I had gotten into an accident and was severely bleeding, it would be prudent to think about what led to the accident and how I could have avoided it. But, the first order of business would be to stop the bleeding!

What did it mean to stop the bleeding? I named what I did wrong, asked forgiveness, and started faithfully doing what I should’ve done all along.

Name the Fall

I should have taken my work challenges to prayer and let God speak to me about them. He could have given insights, or some peace, that would have helped. More importantly, focusing on listening to him in prayer would demonstrate that our relationship was my priority.

I should have put that situation away when I was with my family. Focusing on them would have given helpful distance from the problem and emotional relief. It would also show that even though I owe my employer my attention and skill, I don’t owe it at the expense of my family.

Visualizing what I should have done and comparing it to what I actually did gave me words to describe the fall. Only then could I actually be sorry for it.

It’s crucial to understand the damage we caused before we apologize. Any apology in our house must include what the penitent is sorry for, otherwise it’s hollow.

Make It Right

Contrition is a weird blend of humility, regret, and faith. Showing contrition, really feeling sorry, has become harder as I’ve aged.

Jumping to problem solving was a way to avoid apologizing. The unspoken logic is that by recognizing what I did wrong and trying to do things differently I’ve repaired the damage. But, that’s not true. I’ve tried to prevent future damage while pretending the actual damage I did wasn’t a big deal.

Contrition isn’t manufacturing sad feelings. It’s naming what I did wrong, sincerely regretting it, resolving not to do it again, saying a good act of contrition, and putting it in my list of things for my next Reconciliation.

Of course, if I need to apologize to others or repay the damage I’ve done, that’ll need to happen, too!

Get Back Up

I immediately started doing what I would have done if the fall had never happened. It’s tempting to be awkward about this; to feel like an imposter. Ignore that temptation!

If mercy is real, then we are just as qualified to be in our relationships as we were before we messed up. If mercy isn’t real, we have bigger problems!

The important thing is to get back to living a grace-filled life as fast, and with as little drama, as possible.

Conclusion

In the software world we hold regular retrospectives to look back and evaluate what has worked well and what we should do differently. We should do the same in our faith lives.

But, we need to reflect at the right time.

When we realize we’ve fallen, we need to get back up before we try to problem solve. We don’t have the perspective or the grace to until we are back in the right relationships with ourselves, God, and others.

If we aren’t careful, problem solving can be a defense mechanism that avoids taking responsibility and delays actually repairing the damage we caused. No amount of clever planning will prevent a fall that’s already happened. We cannot save ourselves.

When we fall—and we all do—remember that the important thing is to name it, make it right, and get up!