Finding Peace in Chaos - Making Responsibilities Get Along

This article is part of a series on finding peace in everyday chaos. It may be better to start from the beginning.

The conversation was not what I had expected. A routine one-on-one with a team member erupted into a torrent of tears. The last few weeks of their personal life had been a barrage of bad news. Once they started talking, there was no stopping until it was all out.

It wasn’t weird. There were no awkward pauses or embarrassed apologies. We just talked.

Another time, I sat in adoration and struggled to concentrate. I was frustrated that finding time to write was so difficult. That my precious time in adoration was stolen by petty thoughts about a hobby bugged me even more. Writing was a small part of my life. Why was it consuming me?

These very different stories show the strange relationships between our vocations, occupations, and hobbies. We want them to cooperate—or at least coexist—but their natural tendency is to compete.

Time spent on my responsibilities as a husband, father, or deacon is time denied to the others. Hobbies can gobble up hours that should have gone to true responsibilities. Jobs can become a resented necessity that only exists to fund the interesting parts of our lives.

We will never have peace if our responsibilities are at war. How do we get them to cooperate instead of compete?

There are two types of vocations, and each is lived differently. Treating them the right way has made a big difference for me. Some vocations are internal and the rest are external.

Internal Vocations

Some vocations integrate with our identity. They are within us and cannot be separated from us. I am a baptized Christian no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I am a married man at all times and in all situations. I am an ordained deacon every moment of every day. I don’t “turn them off” when I go to work or out with the guys.

Internal vocations are always expressed. I date my wife to nourish my marriage, but I express the indelible marks of baptism and ordination while on that date, too. When assisting at Mass I am vested as a deacon but my wedding ring stays firmly on my finger.

Internal vocations shape our responsibilities. They are the foundation our other vocations are built on and the framework our other vocations fit within. Living our internal vocations well makes aligning the rest of our lives much simpler.

The tear-soaked conversation with my team member felt natural because I didn’t have to remove my supervisor's hat and put on my deacon’s stole. I was a deacon before, during, and after that conversation. I had always shared my team member’s suffering, walked with them in their difficulty, and fed their spirit. That conversation was simply a more visible version of that reality.

Recognizing which vocations are part of our identity is vital to finding peace. Because they support everything else we do, these must be the most healthy, well-fed, and contemplated of our vocations.

What are your internal vocations? Are they given your best attention and effort?

External Vocations

Some vocations do not shape our identity. They’re outside of us. These range from major time commitments like our occupation to minor parts of our lives like hobbies. These are defined by what we do through them. Interior vocations are defined by who we become because of them.

Stress is inevitable when the responsibilities of our external vocations compete with our internal vocations. A job that discourages Christian values will cause stress for a baptized person. Hobbies that encourage objectifying others will cause stress for married people.

I fight this reality every day.

My desire to relax by watching a TV show often ends around midnight after an indulgent binge that leaves me feeling exhausted, crabby, and guilty. The same can be said for video games, social media, and other methods of relaxation that escape from reality.

How do we relax in a way that honors our internal vocations?

There are people who focus on the negative parts of life, who feel good when they tear others down, and who pick and choose which Gospel truths are important and which are negotiable. I’m one of these people when I’m around these people. I tell myself I’m a good influence, but I’m not. I imagine that acting in obvious opposition to my internal vocations doesn’t hurt anything, but it does. It hurts me and the people around me.

Do we have the courage to limit exposure to activities and people that discourage living our internal vocations?

Work and entertainment will take as much time as we give them. I’ve often poured myself into my work, thinking that I was doing good by solving my team’s and my customers’ problems. It’s hard to see the damage this does to my family, my prayer life, and my mental health until a lot of harm is done.

How do we measure ourselves out to ensure there’s enough time and energy to go around?

Finally, as I found while in adoration dwelling on writing, I’ve struggled to give time to parts of my life that I want to nourish. No one demands—or even asks—that I write. No one makes me practice Chinese in anticipation of completing our second adoption. I’m not forced to practice piano. Yet, building each of these skills is important to me.

It was deeply comforting to realize that it was alright to wrestle with writing habits in adoration. Time with my job is scheduled. Time with my family is my default when not working. These don’t need time carved out of my schedule, though they do need my full attention when they are my focus.

These other hobbies are different. They will rob me of peace until I either set aside time for them or decide that they simply cannot be part of my life right now. I’d enjoy being good at playing piano, but I’m choosing not to practice. I’m writing this article in a narrow time slot allocated just for this purpose.

How do you set aside or intentionally nurture the optional vocations in your life?

Conclusion

Riding the wave and plotting a course through life may bring worldly success but will not resolve tension within us.

We must take the time to discern who we are, what elements of our lives are part of us, which are important but external, and which need to be carefully put in their proper place—especially if the proper place is the garbage.

I’ve asked several questions throughout this article. Consider going back and praying through them. Hopefully, this will help us make our many responsibilities cooperate instead of compete.

God bless us on our journey!

It's tempting to think that living life well is the goal. It's not! Everything we've done is designed to lead us to encountering God.